Automotive rant...

As many of you know, I am a Factory Certified Ford, Lincoln-Mercury, Nissan, Honda and Subaru Master Mechanic as well as a AMI Certified Motorcycle Mechanic.  Ah... those were my late teens and early 20's.  I was also a Licensed NASCAR Mechanic at the tender age of 16, so I guess that's really where I let my tools and my skills put food in my face, etc, etc.  I won't bore you with all of my other mechanical marvels, just trust me when I say I know which end of a screwdriver to use, ok?  And tools, Oh My God!  I have spent more money on tools, toolboxes, shop equipment, rags and other "had-to-have" gear than many people spend for a house.  Yes, I work on all of my own cars, motorcycles, hovercraft and gravitational portals, I can, I usually have all of the tools I need and I have a garage, so why give all that lovely green paper to someone else huih?  But I gotta tell ya, I no longer look at those of you who take your cars to the "QuickyLubie" and cough up $50.00 to a $100.00 to have your oil changed and your zerk fittings greased with the same eye as I did in the past.  And here's why...

I have come to the realization that every single nut, bolt, screw and grease fitting on your car now REQUIRES you to have a specific and unique tool for that particular nut/bolt/screw/etc.  Back in the `70's when I was a Honda mechanic working for Bart Starr in Hoover, we used to joke about how their were certain "specialty" dealer only tools for a couple of applications on the Honda cars.  Then Ford joined that bandwagon and made cars that had to be returned to the dealer for servicing at regular intervals (Ford called it their "Dealer Assurance Maintenance Program").  Well, look who's laughing now!  I just got through trying to do a simple lube job on our Jeep Liberty and got nothing lubed, just walked away shaking my head in disbelief.

My old Plews grease gun bit the wennie quite a few months ago so I attempted to break the current world record (whatever it may be) in the International Grease gun Hurl and although I'll never know if I ever came close, the experience was, nonetheless, satisfying to me at the moment of my attempt.  Well, we as a family have needed one for quite some time now and I finally broke down and bought one of the mini-grease guns just for the occasional squirt here and there, besides I figured the mini could be used on Matt's Harley, my Project RoadPig (can you say "pipe dream"...) and on Logan and Anna's bicycles as well.  I dropped about $20.00 in the cash register at WallyWorld for a new Plews (the best made) Minigun and a few tubes of grease and headed home for the "fun" of working on my own car.  Well, it wasn't fun, and as a matter of fact I was unsuccessful at even getting any grease on the car, anywhere.

You see, in order for me to actually grease my own car, I need to "upgrade" my new grease gun a little bit, AND I need to actually BUY some grease fittings for my car because Chrysler was too damn cheap to put them in in the first place.  The "upgrades" will include a flex hose ($9.99), a movable angle head ($14.99) and about ten actual zerk fittings ($10.00).  So, I need to spend a total of $60-$75 buck all told just to have the fun of doing it myself.  Now I know why you guys take your cars to the "LubieQuick" and waste a few hours warming a chair on Saturday mornings.

And I'm not just picking on Jeep/Chrysler either.  I've got a `98 Astro that requires a $125.00 tool to replace the $50.00 waterpump.  Yeah, it's still sitting, somewhere.  It's also the same van that if it had been a `97, the fuel pump would have cost $60.00 at any car parts place, but noooo, it had to be a `98 and that fuel pump is only available at the dealership and it lists for $801.00.  For a fuel pump?  Come on!  Do I get a lifetime supply of KY with that?  Overnight?

So, I guess it's time to give in to the Tool Gods, and run right on down to the tool store and start completing my collections with the addition of  the likes of "Left Handed" wrench's and screwdrivers.  I wonder how long it takes before we have to have one wrench to take a nut off, and another to put it on?  If I could invent that one, I'd be getting a nut off I assure you!.  - Tim.