Turkey Day 2010... They just keep coming don't they? Any day in Birmingham is Turkey Day, the trick is to make sure your not somebody elses Turkey. We (Birmingham) just received yet another dubious award title last week. Seems like we are the 10th MOST DANGEROUS CITY IN THE USA! Yeah us! Go home team! Pass the friggin ammo! We were 6th in the nation last year for murders, and so far this year we seem to be right on track with about 50 piled up in the morgue so far for 2010. The big rivaly around here is AL / AU Football, but I see another quest for a coveted title brewing between BHM and DET for MURDER CAPITAL USA! And I almost got to raise our score by one just this very morning as I returned home from my predawn trip to drop Caitlin off at Starbucks. The short story is he was walking by my house in the shadows when I turned onto the street so I figured why avail myself to be in the situation where I might have to shoot an idiot on Thanksgiving Day morning, right? So I went around the block to give him some time and distance and by the time I made it back to my parking spot he was at the opposit end of the block. But he saw me park.
Let me tell you a little about my parking spot. If you laid a dime on the street where my left front tire sits, it would be exactly under my tire, every single time I park in front of my house. And here's why. With my car exactly in that spot (+/- an inch), I have a 10 foot wide stripe of light that bathes the area just immediatly outside the drivers door of the car so I can see anything that moves into the light to my left, and as soon as I stop I hit the power control for my drivers mirror and pan it out as far as it goes and that gives me a view of anything that might emerge from the shadowy walkway up to the apartment building next door to my house. I have various lights across the street to illuminate anything that may come at me from that direction, but me and my car sit in total blackness under the row of Bradford Pears at the street's edge. Point is, as soon as my wheels stop, I go into defensive/protective mode and I position myself so as to best be aware of anyone or anything that may approach me BEFORE the get close enough to give them the edge of surprise. And this morning it saved somebody's life.
As I parked, I saw the creeper way up at the other end of the block and I really didn't think he'd make the effort from that far away. But then Steppinwolf interveined and Born To Be Wild came on the radio as I was about to unlock and unbuckle my happy white ass and go get back in the bed to dream about big fat turkeys and juicy cranberries. So I sat, one song, that all, I swear. By the time I had bopped along with the radio, the creeper had come down the ally behind my house cut throught the parking lot and sidewalk of the apartments and was waiting for me to open the door of the car as he hid in the shadows just outside the reach of the lights. He wasn't a large person, had a gray hoodie on with the hood pulled up over his head and some kind of small paper sack in his hand, and I really don't know whether he was going to ask me for spare change, spare food or spare smokes or just stick a knife in my back and take what he could find in my pockets and car. As I turned the radio off, set the parking brake and turned the car off, I guess he figured that was his cue and down the bank of the apartments he shot. I saw the blur of movement in my outside mirror and knew it was showtime. I popped my .45 out of it's Fobus holster and brought it up into the drivers window ready for the curtain to go up. He had his hand in the bag outstretched towards me as he ran down the bank and towards my still closed door. As soon as he got close enough to actually see me inside the now totally black car, he must have been able to see the barrel of my .45 pressed against my drivers window and decided this was NOT a good day to die.
He tried to stop his forward progress but was met only with slippery wet leaves under his feet. Then he tried to do a two-step with a little zig and zag move and wound up bustin his ass right as he slammed into my drivers door. I saw two huge eyes look up from the swirling pile of leaves as he focused on the tip of my barrel.. Those eyes must have been directly connected to those feet, because there was no lack of communication betwixt what the eyes saw and what the feetsies needed to be doing which was RUN! In the blink of my eye, he was running up the sidewalk shedding leaves like a tree in a strong wind.
He'll be back, if he's stupid enough. And he probably is. And maybe next time... Who knows, maybe one of us will be able to put some points on the board.
So, I did make it back into the bed all safe and sound, I did dream about fat bottomed...turkeys and plump, juicy, succulent...cranberries. And as I opened my little blue eyes a few hours later, my nostriles were happily greeted by the wonderful oders of Thanksgiving. Joy was already up and moving like a one woman cooking machine in the kitchen. Hell she had even enslaved the Grandkids and had them standing by to help out as needed. I am looking forward to having all of our kids home again, under one roof, just like it used to be. But I get the added pleasure of two extra daughter-in-laws and two extra Grandmonkeys and it just sweetens the pot that much more.
I hope YOUR Thanksgiving day leaves you with a full plate, a full home and a full heart. And to my little creeper friend, I'll be seeing you again, real soon. ...
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