Alrighty... RIBQUEST 2011 will soon commence! 2010 was The Year of the ChiliCheeseDawg which will soon end with no clear winner unfortunately. The closest thing to a winner was SneakyPete's and in my opinion was one of the top 5 ChiliCheeseDawgs I stuffed in my piehole on 2010. The other 4? Out of business. We gotta face it. the economy is STILL in the shitter and has put the gun to the head of many a fine eating hole around Birmingham in the last 2 years. We've lost (that I can remember...) The Burly Earl (Est.1976), Courtney's (Southside), McAllisters (Southside), All of the Shoney's in the Greater Birmingham Area, too many Chinese buffets, too many Pizza joints, and on and on. It just sucks, and it will for quite a few more years.
So with 2011 less than a month away as I type this, the official RibQuest 2011 will "officially" begin on January 1, 2011. I learned just how hard it is to actually compare apples to oranges with the ChiliCheeseDawgs. Yeah, in the end you had a dog in a bun with chili and cheese on it sitting in front of you. But there was SO much more that went into the equation of "would I go back", regardless of how good it was. So I had to allow for things like "bitches", "idiots" and "criminals" in addition to other often overlooked things like access (can you actually get a parking spot within 2 blocks at lunchtime?), attitude, customer service, proximity of bums, and on and on.
I don't write these things to get free food, or to get a cheap shot in at someone who was really bothered that they had to get up off their fat ass and take my money. Ya'll know me, Mr. "Don't get mad - GET EVEN", so trust me when I say I have much more personally satisfying ways of righting an injustice done unto me than telling you in a blog that the food sucks and you should really spend your money somewhere else. For me, it's about the hunt. The Quest. Call it what you want, but I like going to new places and meeting new people. Remember life isn't about the destination, it's all about the freaky freaky journey! So, here are my rules for RIBQUEST 2011:
Rule 1: I make the rules (sometimes as I go).
Rule 2: Since no two food holes are ever gonna be the same, I'll have to try and look at everything with as level of an eye as I can muster at the time I type the review.
Rule 3: I don't want, or need, anyone, to kiss my ass. That's not why I walked in your door. I DO however, EXPECT to be treated with the respect due ANY customer that has made a personal decision to walk in your door and leave their money in your cash register thereby allowing your employer to pay you a wage instead of you standing in line at the welfare office.
Rule 4: In case of confusion, reread Rule 1 as many times as necessary.
And that's about it folks. BHM is known for two things, our Murder Rate and our "Killer BBQ Ribs". And we have some of the biggest and baddest names in BBQ Ribs in the world right here. I've been doing a little pre-sampling as 2010 winds down just trying to set the mood in my pallet for the RIBQUEST 2011 party to come over the next 12 months. Now although I'm a "Native Son", being born under the "Big Blue Star" at the now defunct Caraway Hospital some scant 53 years ago, even I, have not been to EVERY BBQ pit in this city. So, help a homey out and fire off your suggestions to me as to where YOU like to "get nasty" with a plate of ribs and I'll go give `em a shot. And this blog page is set up so you can do just that, so PLEASE leave your suggestions and comments as you feel the need. Who knows, you might even get to share a bib with me at your favorite rib joint!
Scoring: I have tried to look at the complete rib eating experience when it comes to assigning a number value to my opinion of my visit. You might have the best ribs in the world, but if your a dick, well, you're a dick! Same thing goes for parking, security, odors, cleanliness, employees, bathrooms, and so on. I use a 1-10 scale, with 1 being "should have given my money to the bum outside rather than waste it at your place", and 10 being "Slap yo Momma Finger Suckin GOOD".
1 - EASE OF ACCESS: Pretty self explanatory.
2 - OUTSIDE APPEARANCE: Well, point in case, there is a popular Chinese Restaurant in the Eastwood Mall area that does a kick ass amount of business, but 99% of it is either carryout or drive thru. Why, because BEFORE you can get to the chincy (pronounced "CheapAssed" in the South...) Chinese calendars that adorn the interior walls, you have to use a machete to chop your way through the waist high grass that has overgrown the walkway and entrance IF you didn't break a leg in the parking lot potholes or slip and knock yo ass out in the dirt and gravel by the front door. YES, it does matter. Sidenote: This place has also had Health Department scores low enough to shut them down until they were corrected and reinspected, yet a 1000 idiots a night continue to eat there nightly.
3 - INSIDE APPEARANCE: I like to think that the attention to appearance details reflects the owner, cooks and staff's attention to detail as to the quality of food they are about to allow me to put in my mouth. If I see roaches crawling around, or trashcans overflowing like nobody gives a shit, chances are the kitchen looks the same and I ain't eating there.
4 - STAFF GREETING: If you go to CiCi's Pizza, there's a good chance you'll hear "Welcome To CiCi's" shouted by the staff as soon as you walk in the door. The problem is they don't mean it cause they never actually look up and say it to your face. It's a "required" response from the staff anytime the door chime goes "ding" as someone walks in. It's really nice when someone takes the time to look up from what they are doing and at least smile and tell you "hi" acknowledging your status of "Human, Alive, 1-Each".
5 - MENU/ORDERING PROCESS: Have you ever been to a place where they have the same item listed in several different places on the menu, AT DIFFERENT PRICES? Or have you had to search the menu high and low for ALL the details on the lunch specials, Or maybe it said one thing in the ad you heard on the radio but says something entirely different on the menu? Well, I have, and more. This is not my first rodeo girls!
6 - FOOD: This year, it's ALL about the RIBS! OK, I... m i g h t... mention the other items, but only if there is a good reason to mention them. I mean I'm coming for the ribs, but I gotta have some sweet tea to wash them down with and if yours tastes like urinal water, yeah, I'm probably gonna mention it. But you know, the ribs got me in the door, but I might also discover the best cornbread, or smokin green beans, or turnip greens perfected, and if that's the case, I'm telling the WORLD, I swear! NOW... as to the RIBS, they are not without expectations. Smokey, gotta be smokey, and my nose and mouth prefer Hickory. Gotta have a good BBQ sauce, either cooked on the ribs, slathered on before serving, or served on the table in a mason jar, I don't really care, but it's GOTTA be there. Size, chances are I'm gonna order a FULL RACK of ribs. Now I know what that means to me, what comes into your mind when I say a FULL RACK OF RIBS? I hope that mental picture you just had is the same as what winds up on my plate. Tender, moist, FALL OFF THE BONE! All 3 gotta be there. Chine bone, PLEASE cut the damn chine bone off the tip of the ribs before I break my teeth on one.
7- SERVICE: If I sit there with my tea glass on the top of my head, somebody's not keeping it full. I actually did that at Denny's on Oporto a way back when. It's now a Goo-Goo Car Wash and I can't make a better statement about what happens with poor service than that.
8 - RESTROOMS: I'm a guy, I do guy things and I'd like to have a nice, clean, decent smelling place to wash my hands before I eat. And I'd like for there to be soap, water and something to dry my hands with besides toilet paper.
9 - TBA
10 - PRICE: Last but not least is the munny hunny! I'm a firm believer there isn't $14.95 worth of food on an entire Chinese buffet much less on my plate, but yet, make the mistake of going there at "dinner" prices or on the weekend and BYO-KY! For the $14.95 "dinner" or "weekend" buffet price, your suppose to get all kinds of extra good stuff. Like King Crab legs, Sushi, and on and on, NOT 32 different types of freaking sugar cookies! The bottom line is, we ALL know what food costs, at least at our own grocery stores, and the restaurateurs are supposed to be getting a lot better prices than we do at the local PiggyWiggy. So if you got $9.99 sauteed mushrooms on your appetizer menu, guess what, you can keep `em cause I know there's about a buck's worth of fungus on my plate, a nickel's worth of breading and about a 1/2 cent of oil sitting in front of me, and YOU, should really be ashamed of yourself. I paid $3.99 for a glass of sweet tea the other day at a local 5pts South food hole. Really? $3.99? For a glass of sweet tea? Yea, ain't going back there anytime soon either.
So, that's how the scoring criteria stacks up. Or at least the way I'm gonna "try" to keep the playground level. I'm a reasonable, observant and knowledgeable man, and I can see why a hotdog stand is not going to have the same type and spanse of parking amenities that a 5 Star type joint is gonna have, so cut me a sprout, I'm gonna try to be fair to all.
1-1-11 WESTERN SUPERMARKET ON HIGHLAND AVE: Now I gotta tell ya, when it comes to finding food ON New Years Day, it's pretty iffy. Finding GOOD food ON New Years Day, damn near impossible. I eat a lot of lunches from the Western Supermarket on Highland Ave, week in and week out, so I know the quality that I require is there, the level of customer service I require is there, and more often than not, the parking space I require is there. Their normal lunchtime fare is what you'll find on any steam bar around town, but there are a few things they do BETTER than the others that keeps them number 2 on my lunchtime list. But RIBS, on New Years Day, from Western? Hell Yeah! I really don't know where they (or Logan's, or Piggly Wiggly...) get their smoked ribs from, and since I have never caught a whiff of the scent of sweet hickory wood smoke wafting out of the ventilators at any of these places, I'm gonna say they get them already smoked and cooked from somewhere else (Charhouse???) and just toss them on the steam table and slather them with their own BBQ Sauce. At least that's the way I see it. I do know the Head Butcher for the Highland Ave Western, so I'll find out what the skinny is on their ribs and pass it on. Here's how they stacked up today. Remember a "Perfect Score" would be a "100"
EASE OF ACCESS: 10 Today they got a solid 10, in and out without so much as a hesitation, but normal weekday lunchtimes there can be a real challenge.
OUTSIDE APPEARANCE: 6 And it's not because they don't try, they do. It's because it is a HIGH TRAFFIC store.
INSIDE APPEARANCE: 9 At least in the Food/Deli area. Always clean, neat, pans covered, lunches wrapped in plastic wrap so they don't spill all over your car, and they have large windows in the butcher shop and it is always in pristine condition.
STAFF GREETING: 10 Deli Lady knows me by name and always asks how the rest of my family is doing. She's worked there for something like 25 years already and is just a sweet as she can be.
MENU/ORDERING PROCESS: 10 Glass is always clean so you can actually see the condition of the food you are ordering.
FOOD: 4 Looked good, damn good, but was too dry and tough. Flavor was excellent, good smoke, fantastic BBQ Sauce, just couldn't chew the damn things.
SERVICE: 5 Middle of the road, Deli Lady is always a 10, but then you got to deal with a cashier that may or may not enjoy the benefits of employment to it's fullest. And today the cashier was hitting about a 0, so averaged, it's a score of 5.
RESTROOMS: 0 None readily available.
TBA
PRICE: 10 $5.99 for two half slabs of ribs (4 bones each) and green beans and black eyed peas (me superstitions, naw...) and a piece of butter sweet cornbread. That's gonna be hard to beat anywhere, anytime.
64 POINTS TOTAL SCORE
Who's gonna be next?
